Words To Live By

Quotes from my daily life:

“I love drinking things that look like windex”

“The story of George Lucas is much like the story of Anakin Skywalker. A good man who became the very evil he was fighting against.”

“It’s awesome when you throw candy at people because they can’t be mad if it hits them”

“Did you know that there’s another reality out there, with another version of me, and another version of you, and you’re giving me this same boring speech, and I hate it there just as much!”

“Oh shit, I took a girl to see Twilight and it didn’t get me laid…guess I can’t join that new Facebook group!”

“I tricked my brain into packing a lunch for myself”

“Meeting God would be pretty disappointing…I mean, where’s the mystery?”

“If you ate 160 shrimp, that would probably be too much.”

“Now I know why I don’t drink as much as I do”

“Baseball playoffs suck because it’s never like ‘who’s gonna win?’ it’s like ‘who’s gonna win tomorrow?’”

“When I think of ‘backdoor drama’ I don’t think of football, I think of something more uncomfortable”

“You are possibly the most social pisser ever.”

“So the girl from ‘Twilight’ has to choose between a pedaphile or a dog. Sounds like a facepalm moment to me!”

“‘Crank that Soulja Boy’ should actually be called ‘Find out which of your friends are tools!’”

“It’s one of those mornings where you would rather be a little kid with a poisoned ghost of mischa barton terrorizing you from under your bed.”

“Wal-mart reeks of bad financial decisions and dead end jobs”

“My phone apparently thinks Disneyland should be renamed Diabetesland”

A friend of mine describes the board game Risk: “you start out with shit, and then shit happens…. Don’t you roll dice too?”

“I thought guys couldn’t get raped? For them its just surprise sex.” “Not if you have a girlfriend, in that case it goes back to rape”

“We’ll go to Home Depot, and get some Guatemalan guys! And we’ll pay them, and they’ll pretend to be people!”

“I have a very good remembary!”

“No I was talking about that OTHER girl who was wearing a clown outfit”

“I don’t hide behind 21st century technology…I come to work manually to call you a fascist to your face!”

Overheard this conversation with my old roommates: “Shit! do you have any deodorant?” “…No…” “SHIT!” Me:*sigh*