Rants, Reviews, Musings, and otherwise unconstructive critisisms of what you like and why I'm always right.

The Internet: It’s srs bsns.

I realized something today. For all the crap old websites such as Livejournal get, there was a pureness to it that can’t be replicated today. I never once had a livejournal entry where someone posted “first!” as a comment. How did we survive in those days without overused internet memes to tell us how to be funny? On that note, I think we should bring back the Hamster Dance. Nothing sold me on technology quite like loading up that webpage on my school’s turquoise and purple colored iMacs. Easily the best site ever created.

Oh hey! I almost forgot to introduce myself. My name is Ben, and I am probably someone you’re gonna wanna follow on here.

Dammit, that reminds me, there haven’t been any Rob Schneider movies in a while. This is severely impacting my ability to be funny at parties.

So everyone loved Avatar in 3D so fucking much that they are making crazy expensive 3D TV’s to replicate the experience at home. If people really want to have 3D in their everyday lives they should just find someone that deals mushrooms. Oh hey, you don’t need a special TV after all! Another problem solved. You’re welcome.

Rod Stewart. Man, fuck that guy. He is like 85 and probably gets laid more than I do. There are sinister forces at work here.

The best song I’ve ever heard has to be a toss up between the Black Eyed Pees’ “My Humps” and the sound that comes out of my friend’s mom when she gets really excited about that TV show “Glee.” Or maybe that rendition of “I am a creepy old guy singing about having sex with young girls” I heard that one time at Karaoke. I think that’s what it was called. Pretty catchy tune either way.

I’m a big fan of licenses. I think there should be one required for a lot more things than there are currently. The big ones should be obvious. Having kids. Wearing hair gel. Hosting a TV show. Not getting kicked in the nuts for being a tool. Wow, Ryan Seacrest, life would be tough for you if I was in charge. Don’t worry, bro, at least you can still ride those kiddie coasters at Six Flags. HEIGHT REQUIREMENTS ARE NOT A JOKE PEOPLE, THEY ARE THERE FOR YOUR SAFETY.

Speaking of safety, I would love to run someone over with a Nissan Cube. There’s not really a joke here, that car just makes me wanna run people over for some reason. Maybe it’s some subconcious thing where if I look stupid enough I have to distract from that by making others look worse. And let me tell you, someone would have to be laying bloody in the street to look worse than you would behind the wheel of a god damn Nissan Cube. Attention all owners of this car: kill yourself now.

Is there anything better than leaving a huge puddle right in front of the urinal where other people have to stand? Try it, ladies, it’s a guaranteed good time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go spam my friend’s Facebook walls with links to the Hamster Dance. PEOPLE. NEED. TO. KNOW.

(If this photo makes sense, you probably took my advice regarding 3D)

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2 responses

  1. Ariel

    LOL. Success!

    April 27, 2010 at 1:24 pm

  2. Amber Heights

    Dude that’s pretty awesome.
    I got a good laugh while reading it 🙂

    Agreed about Rod Stewart: I mean, you can’t write a song called “Do You Think I’m Sexy” and expect to be taken seriously lol
    Love the comment to/about Ryan Seacrest (lol)…
    …Although did you really have to capitalize EVERY letter in your rant about height requirements? REALLY?! Haha well, whatever- I mean, I’m short, so what do I know- right? ;p

    Either way:
    Thanks for the good time/laugh 😉

    April 27, 2010 at 4:37 pm

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