Rants, Reviews, Musings, and otherwise unconstructive critisisms of what you like and why I'm always right.

Never gonna give you up.

What song would you choose to play in the background if you were taking your friend’s sister’s virginity? It’s a tough decision. I know what I wouldn’t play. Anything involving The White Stripes. Can we talk about how absolutely terrible that band is?

One sentence is probably long enough. Good talk.

Personally, I think it’d be a good opportunity to employ a rick-roll. Bonus points if you can sync up the motions with the beat. I figure when something has worn out its welcome online, taking it to real life is the only way to go. This logic also works for teabagging someone. Bonus points in this case if it’s after you’ve just sniped them, like, totally hXc.

But back to my point. Is there anything better than knowing you are currently boning a friend’s sister? It’s almost as awesome as picturing the look on the face of the next person to use the urinal after you when you’ve just left some strategically placed pubic hairs. Just another amazing way you can passive aggressively help ruin someone’s day.

Stealing someone’s lunch out of the community fridge is a great way too. Look, if you put your name on it, you’re practically asking for it to be stolen. Do you really think the person stealing your lunch doesn’t realize it isn’t their’s? I’ll try that excuse next time I’m caught with an unmarked lunch.  “I have no idea how this underage girl got in my hotel room, officer! Honest!”

By the way, I’m totally that asshole who doesn’t bring anything to the work potluck but eats all the food anyway. When you aren’t looking I hoard it. I take it downtown a few weeks later and give it to homeless people when they beg me for change. Yeah, so what if it’s spoiled and rotten by then. I’m still doing more than you. You really shouldn’t judge others, it isn’t flattering.

Ever wonder what would happen if no one had ever discovered the joys of drugs and alcohol? It’s easy. Visit Salt Lake City, Utah. That’s as accurate of research as I’m willing to attempt without becoming depressed/suicidal. This is the same reason I can’t properly research an article on why I hate High School Musical. Some things just aren’t worth risking.

By the way, ladies? Please don’t name my penis. And if you do insist on giving it a name, please stay away from ones that you think are “cute.” Guys aren’t really dying to hear about their “slim reaper” either way.

If you shoved Angelina Jolie up against a window how much suction do you think her lips would get? Would she be able to pry herself off on her own, or would she need some kind of custom made contraption? Or is this only a problem for black kids? I’m gonna be rich if I can figure out the logistics for this invention.

Wait, there’s an app for that already?

By the way, the answer is no, no one is going to buy you a drink just because it’s black history month. Especially when I have a sneaking suspision you are actually canadian (the smell is a giveaway). But yeah, you didn’t buy me a drink during the period in which we celebrate white history. The fact that it lasts the other 11 months of the year just makes this fact more ridiculous, as you had way more time to fit it in. Think about it.

Back to my original point, your homework for this evening is to bang a friend’s sibling. If the friend gets angry, just direct them to this article. More publicity for me, less blame for you, their sibling gets laid, and the friend learns a good lesson in choosing respectful friends. It’s a win-win situation all around, really.

A girl I know took some guy’s virginity to the song “tonight’s gonna be a good night.” Can you beat that?

A lot of girls I know would beat this.


11 responses

  1. Jessica

    Ummmmmmm… Awkward carrots. And no one would buy a lip suction cup. It’s a random thing to think about inventing. Invent something cool, like… Well, I don’t have any ideas off the top of my head. Probably why I’m not an inventor.

    April 28, 2010 at 8:56 am

  2. That’s what she said.

    April 28, 2010 at 8:56 am

  3. What if I invented a program that will create clever comments for you automatically whenever a friend bugs you to comment on their blog?

    April 28, 2010 at 9:58 am

  4. Patti

    I have to say I agree about the awkwardness of the carrots. And in general, anything is a good enough excuse for a rick roll

    And I promise the next time we go out I’ll buy you a drink to celebrate your whiteness.

    Good talk.

    April 28, 2010 at 10:13 am

  5. Priscilla

    Dude my work will find any excuse to have a potluck. We have potlucks for every month, every few months for birthdays, when 3/4 of the staff calls in sick (we’re going to have a “I survived April 22nd” potluck next week I think), and I NEVER bring anything. Ever. I’m awesome.

    April 28, 2010 at 10:31 am

  6. I think I brought a couple 2 liter bottles of Sprite once to a potluck. Two other people ended up bringing pop too. I ended up taking home both unopened bottles I had bought and an additional one that didn’t get opened. That’s a win, people.

    April 28, 2010 at 10:38 am

  7. Jen


    April 28, 2010 at 10:54 am

  8. Jen

    But I’m not gonna bang one of my younger brothers’ friends tonight. Sorry.

    April 28, 2010 at 10:55 am

  9. You have that backwards…it’s your friend’s brother you need to bang 🙂

    April 28, 2010 at 10:56 am

  10. Jen

    Excuse me))!) Why the f*ck am I the angry guy with the monacle, Ben????

    April 28, 2010 at 10:57 am

  11. Woffles

    Jen, it could be because you need to calm down. 😀

    April 28, 2010 at 11:01 am

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