Rants, Reviews, Musings, and otherwise unconstructive critisisms of what you like and why I'm always right.

Pre-Game Strategy: Earl’s on the Ave

This Friday night I will be attending a birthday gathering at “Earl’s on the Ave,” a bar located in the University District in Seattle. I looked up the bar on Google to get directions, and was quickly sucked into what I must call one of the best selections of user reviews I’ve ever stumbled upon. Below is a selection of quotes from actual people reviewing this bar. Enjoy, and I’ll be sure to report back on the experience on Saturday. Or, from the sound of how long it takes to recover, Tuesday.

“Earl’s is the kind of place you give either one star or five. Because either you are all about getting really cheap strong drinks and dancing inappropriately with other undergrads, or… you’re not. “

“Retarded frat boys, loud rap music & the occasional bum.”


Alright. Not too bad so far.

“Gross. Gross gross gross. I feel like I’m going to get an STD simply by walking through the door. I don’t think they’ve mopped the floors since they opened. “

“Earl’s is the place where you end the night at… or just stop remembering it.”

“It’s a real Hell-hole. Don’t come here during the day (sober) or you might realize how many diseases are waiting for you in the stalls.”

Wow, that sounds terrible. But surely they must be exaggerating. Surely!

“I ended many a Thursday night here in college. As a result, I don’t remember many of those nights. Come here to black out. The end.”

“I watched three altercations in a span of an hour and a half at Earl’s.”

“The last time I was there, someone had puked right in the middle of the floor. And no one had cleaned it up. And there were 19-year-olds giddy off their first Long Island Iced Tea just walking right through it. Walking THROUGH THE PUKE.”

“You’re lucky if you don’t get salmonella or an STD just from standing in this place.”

“Come here if you want to be loud and obnoxious, and be among the like-minded.”

“If you’re looking to avoid a bar crowded with assholes, music that is way too loud (and shitty), hos, and a floor that is so sticky it makes getting away from the aforementioned assholes quite difficult, then I would stay away from this place.”

“Worst. Experience. Ever. Not only was it crowded as all hell, but there were a lot of incredibly sketchy looking older people (don’t you have anything better to do than to hang out at college bars and scam on sorority girls? apparently not). Also, some girl actually THREW UP ON ME.”

“I came for some laughs and I left with vomit on my shoes!”

Lots of vomit stories are coming out. This isn’t looking good.

“Although they have great drink prices, pool tables, and dart boards, they do not have rain gear rentals to protect yourself from sorority vomit.”

“First of all, it’s in a totally shady neighborhood. While I was outside puffing on a Newport, I saw the most cracked-out woman I have ever seen engaged in a very loud discussion with herself. “

“I was racking my brain trying to think of the horrible Bro infested bar right on the ave that I wouldn’t ever go into in a million years. I mean they’re ALL infested with morons that I wouldn’t trust to take out my garbage but which one is not only infested with them, but also dirty, poorly lit, obnoxiously loud, and a pre-curser to a night of roofie induced sex? Oh wait, it’s Earls. I hope this place gets shut down.”

“Can I say f*ck on here? ‘Cause here it comes– Earl’s is: F*cking horrible.”

Wow. They just keep coming.

“This is a place where you walk in and suddenly you black out.”

“Man, what a sketchy bar. You know you’re in trouble when they have TWO signs warning you that they have strong drinks and that they will make it weak if you prefer. “

“My night at Earl’s: The details are a little fuzzy but it involved us trying to knock over the Port-O-Potty on the Ave. “

“Also, I heard that the majority of people pulled over for DUIs in the U District say, “I only had 2 drinks at Earl’s….”

“at least half the tables inside were PICNIC TABLES…yes, unfinished and cracked wooden picnic tables covered in the ugly multi-colored marking of drunken undergraduate students with Sharpies. I’ve never seen anything so dive-ish in my life.”

“It’s one of those bars that always seems like a good idea the night before, but the next morning, you’re left saying “Who the hell said we should go to Earl’s?!?!”

Apparently I missed out by going to community college.

“I ended up coming in for lunch today after a guy walking out screamed “I love hot chicks!!!” and noticed the $3 cheeseburger lunch special. Hmmm…. Hot chicks? Cheap beer? $3 cheeburgers? Can’t go wrong with that, right? Oh, but I was wrong. In so many ways…”

“Earl’s has an infamous niche in the UW college culture, being responsible for countless nights of booze induced swirling and projectile vomiting.”

“Ugh. Don’t go to Earl’s. It’s so trashy. It’s just so very trashy. And not in the wonderful dive bar way. It’s trashy in the “everybody-here-probably-drives-a-pickup-calls-his -friends-‘bro’-thinks-Obama-is-a-Muslim” way. “

“Do not go here unless you WANT to be hit on and touched by men of all ages.”

“If you have ever in your life desired to be throwing up in a toilet with your boyfriend extremely annoyed at you and holding your hair while you rock back and forth and moan in agony after only one drink, this is most certainly the place you want to be.”

“The stench of urine wafts from the bathroom right over to that bar line you’ll be waiting in for at least ten minutes.”

“You should already know that the mixed drinks are 95% liquor…and large…and cheap. There’s really no other reason to go here, unless hanging out with 19 year olds is your game.”

“Earls is great if you want to be groped by a drunken frat guy blacked out on AMF’S.

There are a horrible number of  creeper wanna be rapist stories.

“The strength of their drinks is unmatched; this place is not for lightweight losers. Not even roofies can water ’em down (and I’m sure many women have had roofies slipped in their drinks).”

“this place is just gross. It is ugly, plays bad music, and smells TERRIBLE “

“dont drive there unless you plan on leaving your car..”

“You won’t find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”


Alright, you got me with the Star Wars reference. Well done.

“Worst place to end up at the end of the night. Unless you are a troll.”

“Lots of barfly philosophers trying to figure out if there’s LIFE ON MARS.  And there are lots of drunks moving like they’re stuck in QUICKSAND they’re so hammered.”

“Plenty of little tarts with big old tities hanging out, plenty of dudes saying ‘dude.'”



Well, there you have it. Should be an interesting night!

Wait, what’s wrong with saying “dude?” Fuck that reviewer.

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4 responses

  1. Woffles

    I require stories when you go… and pics or it didn’t happen.

    April 29, 2010 at 10:31 am

  2. Patti

    Classy.

    April 29, 2010 at 10:39 am

  3. Jessica

    Some Earl’s stories are meant to stay Earl’s stories. The one and only time I went there I was the DD… And the only one who really remembers the night… Although, it did lead to some pretty great stories between the 3 of us.

    April 29, 2010 at 11:00 am

  4. Amber Heights

    Wow Ben, you got guts for braving a place with sooo many sketchy reviews.
    I wouldn’t chance it, but then again, I’m just a lil woman who has a tendency to get hit on by old men twice her age :p
    Good luck [dude] and if you survive the experience without too many blackouts, bring me back a souvenir 😉

    April 29, 2010 at 1:54 pm

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