Rants, Reviews, Musings, and otherwise unconstructive critisisms of what you like and why I'm always right.

Rant of the Day

Star Wars in 3D is the worst thing ever.

It was recently announced that the STAR WARS saga will be released in 3D format starting in 2012. While some have understandably vented their frustrations and hesitations with this, there are many that don’t understand what the big deal is. Why are we so upset? Well, to put it simply. It’s combining something we detest already with something we love that has been slowly but surely been ripped from us bit by bit. So to properly explain why STAR WARS in 3D is, in fact, the worst thing ever, you must first understand why 3D is destroying the world as we know it, and you must understand what George Lucas has done and continues to do to the Star Wars name.

To avoid simply ripping off other articles, I highly suggest you visit the following link:

Roger Ebert’s article titled “Why I hate 3D (and you should too)”


3D is the worst thing to happen to movies in my lifetime. The whole concept of 3D is not to make the film you are watching better in any way, it is simply there to make the studios more money. Until people learn that it’s not a good deal to spend $5 more to see a movie in 3D, we all lose.

And it’s all Avatar’s fault.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked Avatar. But unlike 99% of you out there, I did not originally see it in 3D. When people told me “sure, the story sucks and the movie is only ok, but you HAVE TO SEE IT IN 3D!” that makes me angry. Why? Because, like with any movie, special effects do not make a great film. They are simply a tool used to enhance the story. And when all we care about is whether the movie looks cool through those silly glasses, we lose sight of the reason movies are good to begin with. This is the reason why having Jar Jar Binks in your movie doesn’t make it automatically better than a movie that was made before CGI existed. If the movie is good, if the storytelling and other aspects are there, it will be good whether or not it’s in 3D or not. It’s the same reason a good movie should be good whether you watch it on vhs on a 20 inch tv or on a 100 inch projection screen with blu-ray. The nicer set up enhances the experience, but it does not make the movie itself better!

I ended up liking Avatar, and was pleased with the fact that it does indeed hold up as a good film. That being said, I don’t blame people for going to see Avatar in 3D, as it was made with specialized cameras and other tools that took years to develop and utilize. Avatar was a vision that took 4 years of work to realize, and thus became the phenomenon it is. But its popularity now comes with a price, as 3D has infiltrated the medium to the point that every other shitty half-assed movie coming out is given the 3D treatment. Not only that, but classic movies that have no business being ruined will be re-released in theaters in 3D as a total gimmick just to make more money.

We now see even more movies where little care is taken when actually making it, just because the studios know people will pay to see the 3D aspect. And it will work. People will leave the theater and go “that movie was pointless, but I loved the things popping into my face!” And they will pay extra on top of the already ridiculous movie ticket price to say that.

This trend isn’t limited to film. Playboy had an issue featuring a 3-d centerfold equipped with 3-d glasses for your own creepy, abnormal entertainment. Maxim did a similar spread next month.


Joining fellow film industry chum Roger Ebert, Godfather director Coppola has spoken out against 3D movies. Saying he’d rather make films in 2D with larger format for “some big scenes much like Abel Gance did with Napoleon” (or Christopher Nolan did with The Dark Knight), Coppola believes that the 3D format is just another way “to make you pay more money for a ticket.”

James Cameron tells Deadline about Hollywood’s official obsession: “After TOY STORY, there were 10 really bad CG movies because everybody thought the success of that film was CG and not great characters that were beautifully designed and heartwarming. Now, you’ve got people quickly converting movies from 2D to 3D, which is not what we did. They’re expecting the same result, when in fact they will probably work against the adoption of 3D because they’ll be putting out an inferior product.”

Michael Bay weighed in, saying  “Studios might be willing to sacrifice the look and use the gimmick to make $3 more a ticket, but I’m not.  Avatar took four years. You can’t just shit out a 3D movie.”

When even Michael Fucking Bay thinks it’s an overblown, gimmicky, bad idea, we’re in trouble.


How bad is this situation becoming? Here’s a sampling of movies set to be released in 3D:

Ring 3D


Men In Black

Saw 3D

This is after people sat through horrible fare like Journey to the Center of the Earth, My Bloody Valentine, and The Final Destination just because it was in 3D.

The marketing of 3D has been terrible. There’s really no way around it as far as I’m concerned. I have never seen a movie in 3D and thought it was a better experience than in 2D. Even with Avatar, comparing an IMAX (we’ll get into this more soon) presentation with a viewing on a great home theater wasn’t a significantly better experience. And that’s a movie that spent 250 million using special cameras to achieve the look and was made specifically to make 3D look as good as it can. Even if every 3D movie was made like Avatar I think it’s safe to say I still wouldn’t be on the bandwagon, but at least  I could accept it for what it was and understand why some people enjoy it. The problem is, Avatar is by far the exception. The vast majority of 3D films being released are fake 3D! They are filmed normally and then digitally processed into 3D after the fact. This creates a sort of 3D depth effect, but does not do anything to make the movie better. In fact, often times it makes the film WORSE. See: The Last Airbender.


I read a joke when Avatar came out on blu-ray that I totally agree with. I believe it was The Office’s Rainn Wilson that said “I’m about to watch Avatar at home on blu ray. To simulate the 3D experience I will rub vaseline on my glasses and burn a five dollar bill.”

The Roger Ebert article goes into great detail explaining why 3D can make the experience worse, and the fact is that this fad is only here as a way to make the studios more money with minimal effort. In short, it’s a marketing scam that people are falling for left and right. The picture is usually dimmer and blurrier, you wear uncomfortable glasses, it can give many people headaches, and the colors are severely muted. And you get to pay an extra $5 or more for this! The paradox of the matter is that for 3D to make a difference it has to be noticeable, which then makes it distracting from the movie itself. There is no escape. Either you are distracted by the 3D, or you don’t notice it, in which case it would be pointless. And regarding IMAX, unless you see a film in a true IMAX facility, it’s not true IMAX. Any IMAX screen in your local theater is just going to be a barely larger screen than normal pushed closer to the seats. It’s simulated IMAX, the only benefit you are really seeing is sitting closer to the TV. You do get improved sound, which I am all in favor for, but overall it’s just another gimmick to be able to charge you more for the same movie.

Now, on to Star Wars. Sit back folks, you’re in for a long one.


My love for Star Wars naturally goes back to early childhood. I’ve seen the original trilogy countless times and can honestly reenact them word for word with minimal screw-ups. I know these movies as well as anyone. I’ve participated in countless debates over their film merits. I’ve argued about which one was the best. I’ve fallen for the cycle and bought them all numerous times on numerous formats. I have the little toys. I have the posters decorating my walls. I’ve played the games. I loved the original trilogy so much that I watched our taped-off-of-broadcast-television copy of the original Star Wars over and over before I owned actual copies of all three. I sat through Episode I opening night at 15 years of age and tried to convince myself for the next year that it was a good movie. I re-watched Episode  II a few years ago and was astonished that it was even worse than I remembered. I remember being so disappointed with the first two prequels that Episode III actually seemed fantastic in the theater. Part of the reason I became so enamored with Kevin Smith and his films was due to the constant barrage of Star Wars references and jokes. I love all the parodies that have come out over the years lampooning the saga, from Family Guy to Robot Chicken to even Thumb Wars. And through it all, The Empire Strikes Back remains my favorite film of all time. I will argue to the death about why this film is virtually perfect and why it, along with the original Star Wars, should be included with everyone’s top films.

Why do people like me care so much about Star Wars? Simply put, the series as a whole represents better than anything else why I watch movies in the first place. It’s the larger than life characters, the imaginative aliens, the adventure, the drama, and the humor. It all comes together to take us to another world that has remained so memorable for more than thirty years.

For my reviews of the first two Star Wars movies, go here:



Another fantastic article on the importance of The Empire Strikes Back can be found here:


George Lucas, the creator Star Wars, has done a lot of things to make us Star Wars nerds angry over the years. It all started back in 1997 when he decided to re-release the trilogy in theaters. Fantastic, we thought. This was a chance to see them in theaters, something I was born too late to do! We then found out they were being updated with new special effects and such to make the films George “had always wanted to make” but couldn’t due to time, budget, or technology. The new special effects were, for the most part, great! New shots of TIE Fighters in the battle of Yavin looked fantastic. The cleaned up picture was great. They took out the see-through cockpit in the snow of Hoth. The rancor from Return of the Jedi no longer had ridiculous thick black lines around it from where they had composited it into the shot. But for every great new updated shot, there was mind-boggling changes that not only didn’t make any sense, seemed to be put in just to piss us the fuck off. Why does Han Solo no longer shoot Greedo unprovoked? Not only does Greedo attempt to shoot him first, Harrison Ford’s body now unrealistically shifts to the right to avoid the blaster fire! It looked ridiculous! Why is there now a CGI Jabba the Hutt talking to Han Solo in the next scene?!? Not only does it look terrible, but it ruins the ensuing reveal of the Millenium Falcon to Luke! Hey, while we are at it, let’s add a bunch of nonsense kiddy slapstick to the entrance to Mos Eisley! The Empire Strikes Back found them inserting a horrible scream when Luke jumps off the platform during the climax. And in Return of the Jedi, we were treated to a god-awful song and dance number featuring a horribly composited CGI band and dancers. The list went on and on. Why couldn’t George just fix the outdated effects without completely changing parts of the films? Why did he feel the need to put silly things in that would only appeal to 4 year olds? It felt like a slap in the face to those that had continued to support and be excited about all things Star wars even 14 years after the most recent film had been in theaters.


Then came the prequels. Even after the treatment the originals got with the special editions, Star Wars Episode One was primed to be one of the biggest movie events ever. Unfortunately, some of the inferior aspects that had crept into Return of the Jedi (making it the least of the originals, if still very enjoyable) were showing up in full force, and it became clear to us fans that while George had some fantastic ideas that went into these movies, ultimately he needed the right people around him to ensure they were executed well. With the original film, the hardships with limited budget, time constraints, and the task of creating whole new ways of shooting effects forced Lucas to be creative, opening the door for the film to be as innovative as it was. With the sequel, he was smart enough to hire a great screenwriter and fabulous director to oversee things. He still got his way with the overall idea, but these people allowed the film to become a focused production. Once Star Wars had become as big as it was, Lucas unfortunately became his own worst enemy, caring more about what toy tie-ins and other such nonsense could be worked into the films. Return of the Jedi didn’t fail, but it certainly lacked some of the things the first two did so well, instead focusing on things like those little teddy bears called Ewoks. By the time the prequels were to be made, George had surrounded himself with people who were not capable of challenging him on anything. He got his way 100% with the prequels, and we all paid for it. While Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is a giant step forward compared to the first two, it still lacked the heart and charm of the originals because, like all of the prequel films, the focus was on cramming as much blatant CGI effects and green-screened backgrounds into as many shots as possible. If there was ever a film to describe as “plastic” or “fake,” I give you Episode II: Attack of the Clones, by far the low point of the entire saga.  We got horrible wooden dialog and lackluster plots and pacing, because it seemed all George cared about was making them look flashy and making lots and lots of money from them, especially from the merchandising.

If you’ve ever wondered why these movies are considered to be such disgraces, check out this excellent series of videos from YouTube from a user called “Redlettermedia.” There is a 90 minute review for “The Phantom Menace” as well as “Attack of the Clones,” and they do a far better job than I ever could have accurately pointing out what sucks about these films in the most entertaining way I could ever imagine.

The next few blows us die-hard Star Wars fans would take would be when Lucas finally released Star Wars on DVD in 2004. More changes were made, and while a few were subtle and made sense in tying together all six movies, there were again some changes that made many want to strangle George right there. Hayden Christiansen being inserted as a ghost into the end of Return of the Jedi?!? Fuck you George Lucas! And on top of more horrible revisions, they couldn’t even get the presentation right! The color scheme of the entire trilogy is off, making Darth Vader’s lightsaber look pink and the planet of Hoth look blue. The sound mix for Episode IV: A New Hope is even screwed up, switching the rear channels and other such nonsense such as removing the epic fanfare music during the climatic death star battle. Why were these things done? It doesn’t make any sense, and that’s why Star Wars fans can’t get over it.


To see a list of all the changes that have been made to the Star Wars movies, go here. It is an excellent series of articles with screenshots:  http://www.dvdactive.com/editorial/articles/star-wars-the-changes-part-one.html

Needless to say, we’ve been through the ringer over the years, as they say. We love these movies, and we’ve seen them little by little be tampered with in every way possible. We’ve accepted the fact that when they are released on blu-ray in 2011 that they will be the revised special editions with all the horrible changes. In fact, a wonderful superfan even went in and re-edited Episode IV: A New Hope, spending two years making THE definitive version of the movie. I simply refuse to watch it any other way. It’s called Star Wars: Revisited, and you can check out the info and all the changes he made here:


It’s free to download and legal as long as you own Star Wars on DVD, so I HIGHLY encourage it. It’s simple wonderful. All the crap that was changed is back the way it should be, the colors are fixed, the sound is fixed, and there are many more big changes ALL of which I endorse.

So we’ve finally gotten to the real point here. You now should have some understanding about why 3D is terrible, and you understand how Star Wars has been taken from us over the years from the wonderful experience we grew up with into a series full of emotional baggage and other such nonsense. Putting these two things together is just WRONG. We don’t need to see Star Wars sullied yet again by being made into a pointless fad. Do you REALLY want to see Jar Jar Binks in 3D? How about lines like “Anakin! You’re breaking my heart!” 3D will not make the poor entries of the series any better, and the original movies certainly don’t need a gimmick to be worth seeing. Converting them to 3D will bring nothing to the table that will benefit the films at all. It’s just yet another excuse to make more money by getting people to see and purchase the same thing.

Not only that, but the release schedule of the films is horrible. Episode One is set to be released in 2012, with each year bringing the next entry. This means we wouldn’t even see a good Star Wars movie until 2014, and you’ll be waiting until 2016 to see the best one. By that time, will 3D even be relevant? We can only hope not, and in that case Fox would just look silly trotting them out when the format isn’t viable, or they would be forced to stop mid-series, which would be another embarrassment to Star Wars. Why present them in chronological order anyway? If they insist on doing this, at least do them in the order they were made. A prequel is supposed to fill in the back-story, not just become the new order of viewing. No one is watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine before watching the original X-Men! (Actually, no one should be watching Wolverine at all).

It’s insulting that we are asked to purchase Star Wars over and over, through so many formats, and every time there is deemed a good enough excuse they trot it back into theaters to make more box office cash. Yes, it’s always exciting to have the chance to see Star Wars in the theater. But the principle of the matter tells me to make a stand. Star Wars is too important, too legitimate (though Lucas has done his damnedest to ensure otherwise), to classic of a series to have this happen to. It’s no wonder the younger generation doesn’t understand why people like Star Wars so much. It simply isn’t given the respect it deserves by its own creator, and that is what’s the most tragic. The story of Star Wars is Anakin Skywalker’s rise into power and fall into his own greed, much like what has happened with George Lucas over the years. He once said “a special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing” and then forgot all about that when he chose easy money with the prequels. In the Star Wars saga, Anakin eventually redeems himself. We just keep hoping it’s not too late for George.

That’s why until the next horrifying development, Star Wars in 3D is the worst thing ever.


Why LOST Sucks: As Told By Non-Watchers

I was reading an article about the television show LOST today and scrolled down to the comments, expecting ignorant, baseless opinions about how the show is terrible from people who don’t follow the show. These people never let me down. Enjoy!

“No TV show is worth the amount of effort some fans put into them.”

“I wish somebody could just explain lost to me in the form of a 140 character Tweet.”

“First season confused me, so i gave up.”

“did you know the writers of Lost used to make it up episode by episode and had no idea of where they were going with it? I stopped watching after season 1.”

“It quickly became obvious they were using random plot devices to hook viewers and string them along for absolutely no other reason than to string you along because it makes them money. They weren’t even interested in telling proper stories.”

“Convoluted for the sake of being convoluted. Complex for the sake of being complex. Plots and sub-plots simply because they can. It was and still is a complete mess and their methodology is just a series of nonsensical, known television plot devices to keep you watching for the sake of it. None of it was engaging, but the device works on a lot of people into making them think they are creating “interesting” plots and stories when the reality was/is, the actors and actresses are carrying the whole show. The show itself is piss poor.”

“Is it over???…the show is stupid in my opinion, had potential and then a polar bear and mysterious black smoke that could kill people showed up…i had a better time watching re runs of Entourage. ”

“No offense, but Lost fans remind me of babies clutching at a jiggling set of keys always held just out of reach.”

“I quit watching at the polar bear.”

“Lost, X-files, and Battlestar Galactica use the same technique. Never really explain anything. Just introduce a new mystery every episode that makes your forget about the previous mystery. You also need a fanbase that will masturbate logic to connect a bunch of threads that the writers really never conceived.”

“I keep worrying about what will happen when all of the mellowdramatic violinists are out of work when Lost is over. They have those damn violins in Every. Flippin. Scene. No nuance, no subtlety, just hit the audience over the head with ‘ooh, isn’t this shocking/scary/revealing/mysterious, cue the music.’ ”

“The show itself isn’t interested in telling a story, which is why I don’t watch it anymore.”

“I have never watched a show that felt more like a random encounter table from D&D brought to life and taking the “Random Encounter” thing a little too far. ”

“Six+ seasons to tell one interconnected story is just overkill.”

“The characters are extremely one dimensional, each being their own worst enemy with over stereotypical personal conflicts. finally, the relationships between characters are, at best, weak. the show incorporates the standard love-triangle scenario despite characters having little to no commonalities.”

“There seems to be no ‘law of reality’ that holds throughout the whole show – logic that is used to explain one event is often conflicted by the logic to explain another.”

“I started watching the Lost DVD’s last year and stopped somewhere in Season 2. I simply realized that it was going to be a long-term commitment to get any answers. Since we are a few episodes from the finale and many of my friends still don’t know what’s going on, I feel confident in my decision to stop watching. Maybe once the show ends, and I find out the ending, I can go back and casually watch it. That is, if they give any answers at the end.”

This is what you idiots sound like when you complain about LOST.

Let’s go over a few basic rules of TV, the most important of which is summed up by this comment.

“I simply don’t like Lost because I watch shows casually. I like watching an episode and being able to not watch another one for a few weeks.”

Most people watch TV because they are bored. They don’t want to follow complex stories or be forced to tune in every week, they just watch the shows they like because said shows go down easy, don’t require a lot of critical thought, and make sense in 42 minutes. They want to be able to tune into a random episode and not be left in the dark. There’s nothing wrong with this. This is why shows such as the various CSI and Law and Order’s succeed. Ever notice that whenNCIS became less of an ongoing story and more of a case-of-the-week series it suddenly got super popular? Ever notice how during weeks when CBS airs reruns the ratings barely go down?

Again, there’s nothing wrong with this. Except when you hold an obviously unique, high concept show and hold it to these standards! We get it, you’re too stupid to understand LOST. It’s the same reason shows such as Firefly, Dollhouse, Jericho, and others have gotten cancelled. It’s the same reason Flash Forward and V struggle to maintain their ratings. Most of the population doesn’t have the patience for these shows because they aren’t watching to gain mental stimulation. They don’t want to figure out puzzles and mysteries that are stretched over many episodes or seasons. They don’t want to experience character arcs that can last an entire series. They especially don’t want to have to pay attention to seemingly minute details or remember what happened last year to gain the reward of unraveling a complex narrative. It’s Transformers 2 syndrome. This is a movie which is more enjoyable the less thought goes into it, to the tune of $300+ million.

Those of us that DO enjoy shows like LOST watch because we enjoy all of the above. Most shows that subscribe to the idea that television can be a viable long-term storytelling medium do not succeed. Sometimes it’s because the show simply isn’t as strong in the various areas that any film based material is. Maybe the scriptwriting isn’t as strong, or the acting, or the production. Maybe it gets saddled with a poor time slot or channel that doesn’t give it a chance with enough viewers. Whatever the case, it’s tough to get noticed, even tougher to keep up a level of quality that keeps the audience engaged for the long haul. LOST, clearly, is one of the exceptions. I would put Battlestar Galactica on this list as well, as a show with complex narratives that managed to survive and continue at a high level of excellence. There are others as well, obviously, but you get my point. Even a LOST hater has to admit that the show has succeeded in all of its goals. It lasted a long time, the creators ended it when they wanted to without being cancelled, and it maintained *most* of its audience’s respect.

Do people who don’t watch/understand LOST just not like the fact that they seem to be outside of a following? Is this just some high school type “I’m not included so I will show hate towards it” cliché? Whatever the case, there are a few types of people I encounter over and over when it comes to receiving negative feedback about LOST.

1. The viewer who watched a random episode or two somewhere along the line and decided it didn’t make sense. These people are the worst for me. Would you turn on the middle of a film like Memento and then claim to have given it a fair shake? Is it fair to judge any story if you came in during the middle? It seems obvious to point this out, but I’m sorry, if you’re the kind of person that starts any show or film in the middle of the story, and then claims to have a legitimate opinion, you’re an idiot. Or, as you people would probably say, “your an idiot.” Can’t be bothered to learn proper grammar either, can you people?

2. “I watched the first season, then it got stupid.” This is my favorite and most common person. It’s tough to argue a subjective opinion like this, but I doubt very seriously that in these cases the show actually got “stupid,” and believe very much one of the following is true.

-this person missed an episode or more and couldn’t keep up
-this person didn’t realize that the show would be about more than just people stuck on an island, and they didn’t sign up for a show with, you know, interesting and unique storylines.
-this person is too fucking stupid to understand Lost.

It’s usually the latter, or a combo of all of them, but you get my point.

The worst thing for me personally is how many people I meet that have heard these negative things about LOST and have avoided watching it based on this reputation. Many of these people would enjoy LOST very much. A lot of them would probably end up liking it TOO much. But unless someone like me comes around to put the doubters in their place, I feel they are missing out on easily one of the greatest experiences of all time on any medium.  Lost succeeds not only from a unique storytelling perspective, it excels in all areas in which we judge good film. The acting, directing, cinematography, music and pacing are all outstanding. If you’ve never seen LOST, especially on blu ray (or at least in HD), you might not realize that this is probably the best looking show ever made. It rivals most big budget blockbuster films. Couple that with the genuinely intricate plot lines and story arcs and it becomes amazing it’s not easier for the haters to see why so many people are borderline obsessive about the show.

Look, I understand that LOST isn’t for everyone. I understand (let’s be honest, I take pride in being a cocky son of a bitch about this) that I have the ability to enjoy both simple fare and shows like this, what I would consider to be higher minded entertainment. I don’t ask that every person watch this show. It’s just television, after all! But, don’t try to take away our enjoyment of it or act like WE are the ones who are “falling for a scam.” The end result is we are entertained in a way that goes beyond what we actually see on-screen in that it promotes critical thought and in-depth discussion beyond the show. LOST has even inspired countless viewers to read literary works that it has referenced over the years. It has touched on ideas and themes that we ordinarily would only get from Oscar-winning dramas or cutting edge Science Fiction.

In the end, it really does come down to one thing. Most people are too stupid to appreciate LOST. If you are one of those people, deal with it. It’s not too confusing, it’s not pointless, and it’s undeniable how top notch all the film making aspects of the show are. We will be lucky if we ever again see a show of such a high caliber that is half as ambitious in ideas, themes and scope. This is probably the only show I’ve ever followed where there is zero, 0%, nada doubt in my mind that the series, which wraps up in a few weeks, will deliver a satisfying and incredible finale. If it somehow doesn’t, I’ll be the first one here to tell you that you were all right.

But you’re not.  I’m always right, remember?

(The average LOST hater forgets that I’m always right)






This is the kind of thing I’m talking about. People making opinions even though they admit they watched 2 whole episodes: The pilot, and the finale of season 5. You don’t think you might have missed some important tidbits in ALMOST 100 EPISODES OF THE MOST COMPLEX SHOW ON TV that might have made you connect with it a bit more? Seriously?


Flashback Friday: 4/5/05 – “Entries about my day are exciting and everyone should care”

note: every friday I will be pulling an old entry off my livejournal that I find amusing. Sometimes going back and seeing what you wrote years ago can be strangely awesome.

“Entries about my day are exciting and everyone should care”

Katy came and visited me today at work. It made my day because she made me realize that no one wants to read me bitching about things. People want to hear about my exciting day!

Today I woke up early, but didn’t want to get up. I laid in bed and reminded myself how much I hate little kids. I finally got up, realized I was late for work, took my time getting ready, stroked one out, took a couple shits, and drove in. Then I just kinda gazed at the ceiling for a while and thought about choking old people. I remember this one lady the other day at Safeway, she cut me off and just sat there in her peice of shit mini van for like 30 seconds. I wanted to run after her car, bash in the window, and pull her out my her throat. Then I’d ride around in one of the shopping carts. Those things are awesome! I’d also make sure to leave it in the middle of a parking spot. Everyone loves it when people do that!

After work I was watching TV and I have to ask, has anyone seen the latest line of Saturn Commercials? They’re not really new anymore, but I’d like to mention how incredibly stupid they are.

This is how one of them goes, kid you not:

Woman: “You go your whole life being number one and then bam, one day… *looks down at a baby*…you’re number two…THAT’S why I bought a Saturn.”

It’s almost as good as the Degree commercials that say “for those who like to take risks.” Yeah, like I am going to risk using your product after hearing that.

Katy’s totally right. This was way better than posting lyrics nobody reads or complaining about Ashlee Simpson. Maybe next time I can integrate some jokes about religion too!

The way of the world, part 752:

= $$$

Pre-Game Strategy: Earl’s on the Ave

This Friday night I will be attending a birthday gathering at “Earl’s on the Ave,” a bar located in the University District in Seattle. I looked up the bar on Google to get directions, and was quickly sucked into what I must call one of the best selections of user reviews I’ve ever stumbled upon. Below is a selection of quotes from actual people reviewing this bar. Enjoy, and I’ll be sure to report back on the experience on Saturday. Or, from the sound of how long it takes to recover, Tuesday.

“Earl’s is the kind of place you give either one star or five. Because either you are all about getting really cheap strong drinks and dancing inappropriately with other undergrads, or… you’re not. “

“Retarded frat boys, loud rap music & the occasional bum.”

Alright. Not too bad so far.

“Gross. Gross gross gross. I feel like I’m going to get an STD simply by walking through the door. I don’t think they’ve mopped the floors since they opened. “

“Earl’s is the place where you end the night at… or just stop remembering it.”

“It’s a real Hell-hole. Don’t come here during the day (sober) or you might realize how many diseases are waiting for you in the stalls.”

Wow, that sounds terrible. But surely they must be exaggerating. Surely!

“I ended many a Thursday night here in college. As a result, I don’t remember many of those nights. Come here to black out. The end.”

“I watched three altercations in a span of an hour and a half at Earl’s.”

“The last time I was there, someone had puked right in the middle of the floor. And no one had cleaned it up. And there were 19-year-olds giddy off their first Long Island Iced Tea just walking right through it. Walking THROUGH THE PUKE.”

“You’re lucky if you don’t get salmonella or an STD just from standing in this place.”

“Come here if you want to be loud and obnoxious, and be among the like-minded.”

“If you’re looking to avoid a bar crowded with assholes, music that is way too loud (and shitty), hos, and a floor that is so sticky it makes getting away from the aforementioned assholes quite difficult, then I would stay away from this place.”

“Worst. Experience. Ever. Not only was it crowded as all hell, but there were a lot of incredibly sketchy looking older people (don’t you have anything better to do than to hang out at college bars and scam on sorority girls? apparently not). Also, some girl actually THREW UP ON ME.”

“I came for some laughs and I left with vomit on my shoes!”

Lots of vomit stories are coming out. This isn’t looking good.

“Although they have great drink prices, pool tables, and dart boards, they do not have rain gear rentals to protect yourself from sorority vomit.”

“First of all, it’s in a totally shady neighborhood. While I was outside puffing on a Newport, I saw the most cracked-out woman I have ever seen engaged in a very loud discussion with herself. “

“I was racking my brain trying to think of the horrible Bro infested bar right on the ave that I wouldn’t ever go into in a million years. I mean they’re ALL infested with morons that I wouldn’t trust to take out my garbage but which one is not only infested with them, but also dirty, poorly lit, obnoxiously loud, and a pre-curser to a night of roofie induced sex? Oh wait, it’s Earls. I hope this place gets shut down.”

“Can I say f*ck on here? ‘Cause here it comes– Earl’s is: F*cking horrible.”

Wow. They just keep coming.

“This is a place where you walk in and suddenly you black out.”

“Man, what a sketchy bar. You know you’re in trouble when they have TWO signs warning you that they have strong drinks and that they will make it weak if you prefer. “

“My night at Earl’s: The details are a little fuzzy but it involved us trying to knock over the Port-O-Potty on the Ave. “

“Also, I heard that the majority of people pulled over for DUIs in the U District say, “I only had 2 drinks at Earl’s….”

“at least half the tables inside were PICNIC TABLES…yes, unfinished and cracked wooden picnic tables covered in the ugly multi-colored marking of drunken undergraduate students with Sharpies. I’ve never seen anything so dive-ish in my life.”

“It’s one of those bars that always seems like a good idea the night before, but the next morning, you’re left saying “Who the hell said we should go to Earl’s?!?!”

Apparently I missed out by going to community college.

“I ended up coming in for lunch today after a guy walking out screamed “I love hot chicks!!!” and noticed the $3 cheeseburger lunch special. Hmmm…. Hot chicks? Cheap beer? $3 cheeburgers? Can’t go wrong with that, right? Oh, but I was wrong. In so many ways…”

“Earl’s has an infamous niche in the UW college culture, being responsible for countless nights of booze induced swirling and projectile vomiting.”

“Ugh. Don’t go to Earl’s. It’s so trashy. It’s just so very trashy. And not in the wonderful dive bar way. It’s trashy in the “everybody-here-probably-drives-a-pickup-calls-his -friends-‘bro’-thinks-Obama-is-a-Muslim” way. “

“Do not go here unless you WANT to be hit on and touched by men of all ages.”

“If you have ever in your life desired to be throwing up in a toilet with your boyfriend extremely annoyed at you and holding your hair while you rock back and forth and moan in agony after only one drink, this is most certainly the place you want to be.”

“The stench of urine wafts from the bathroom right over to that bar line you’ll be waiting in for at least ten minutes.”

“You should already know that the mixed drinks are 95% liquor…and large…and cheap. There’s really no other reason to go here, unless hanging out with 19 year olds is your game.”

“Earls is great if you want to be groped by a drunken frat guy blacked out on AMF’S.

There are a horrible number of  creeper wanna be rapist stories.

“The strength of their drinks is unmatched; this place is not for lightweight losers. Not even roofies can water ’em down (and I’m sure many women have had roofies slipped in their drinks).”

“this place is just gross. It is ugly, plays bad music, and smells TERRIBLE “

“dont drive there unless you plan on leaving your car..”

“You won’t find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

Alright, you got me with the Star Wars reference. Well done.

“Worst place to end up at the end of the night. Unless you are a troll.”

“Lots of barfly philosophers trying to figure out if there’s LIFE ON MARS.  And there are lots of drunks moving like they’re stuck in QUICKSAND they’re so hammered.”

“Plenty of little tarts with big old tities hanging out, plenty of dudes saying ‘dude.'”

Well, there you have it. Should be an interesting night!

Wait, what’s wrong with saying “dude?” Fuck that reviewer.

Never gonna give you up.

What song would you choose to play in the background if you were taking your friend’s sister’s virginity? It’s a tough decision. I know what I wouldn’t play. Anything involving The White Stripes. Can we talk about how absolutely terrible that band is?

One sentence is probably long enough. Good talk.

Personally, I think it’d be a good opportunity to employ a rick-roll. Bonus points if you can sync up the motions with the beat. I figure when something has worn out its welcome online, taking it to real life is the only way to go. This logic also works for teabagging someone. Bonus points in this case if it’s after you’ve just sniped them, like, totally hXc.

But back to my point. Is there anything better than knowing you are currently boning a friend’s sister? It’s almost as awesome as picturing the look on the face of the next person to use the urinal after you when you’ve just left some strategically placed pubic hairs. Just another amazing way you can passive aggressively help ruin someone’s day.

Stealing someone’s lunch out of the community fridge is a great way too. Look, if you put your name on it, you’re practically asking for it to be stolen. Do you really think the person stealing your lunch doesn’t realize it isn’t their’s? I’ll try that excuse next time I’m caught with an unmarked lunch.  “I have no idea how this underage girl got in my hotel room, officer! Honest!”

By the way, I’m totally that asshole who doesn’t bring anything to the work potluck but eats all the food anyway. When you aren’t looking I hoard it. I take it downtown a few weeks later and give it to homeless people when they beg me for change. Yeah, so what if it’s spoiled and rotten by then. I’m still doing more than you. You really shouldn’t judge others, it isn’t flattering.

Ever wonder what would happen if no one had ever discovered the joys of drugs and alcohol? It’s easy. Visit Salt Lake City, Utah. That’s as accurate of research as I’m willing to attempt without becoming depressed/suicidal. This is the same reason I can’t properly research an article on why I hate High School Musical. Some things just aren’t worth risking.

By the way, ladies? Please don’t name my penis. And if you do insist on giving it a name, please stay away from ones that you think are “cute.” Guys aren’t really dying to hear about their “slim reaper” either way.

If you shoved Angelina Jolie up against a window how much suction do you think her lips would get? Would she be able to pry herself off on her own, or would she need some kind of custom made contraption? Or is this only a problem for black kids? I’m gonna be rich if I can figure out the logistics for this invention.

Wait, there’s an app for that already?

By the way, the answer is no, no one is going to buy you a drink just because it’s black history month. Especially when I have a sneaking suspision you are actually canadian (the smell is a giveaway). But yeah, you didn’t buy me a drink during the period in which we celebrate white history. The fact that it lasts the other 11 months of the year just makes this fact more ridiculous, as you had way more time to fit it in. Think about it.

Back to my original point, your homework for this evening is to bang a friend’s sibling. If the friend gets angry, just direct them to this article. More publicity for me, less blame for you, their sibling gets laid, and the friend learns a good lesson in choosing respectful friends. It’s a win-win situation all around, really.

A girl I know took some guy’s virginity to the song “tonight’s gonna be a good night.” Can you beat that?

A lot of girls I know would beat this.

The Internet: It’s srs bsns.

I realized something today. For all the crap old websites such as Livejournal get, there was a pureness to it that can’t be replicated today. I never once had a livejournal entry where someone posted “first!” as a comment. How did we survive in those days without overused internet memes to tell us how to be funny? On that note, I think we should bring back the Hamster Dance. Nothing sold me on technology quite like loading up that webpage on my school’s turquoise and purple colored iMacs. Easily the best site ever created.

Oh hey! I almost forgot to introduce myself. My name is Ben, and I am probably someone you’re gonna wanna follow on here.

Dammit, that reminds me, there haven’t been any Rob Schneider movies in a while. This is severely impacting my ability to be funny at parties.

So everyone loved Avatar in 3D so fucking much that they are making crazy expensive 3D TV’s to replicate the experience at home. If people really want to have 3D in their everyday lives they should just find someone that deals mushrooms. Oh hey, you don’t need a special TV after all! Another problem solved. You’re welcome.

Rod Stewart. Man, fuck that guy. He is like 85 and probably gets laid more than I do. There are sinister forces at work here.

The best song I’ve ever heard has to be a toss up between the Black Eyed Pees’ “My Humps” and the sound that comes out of my friend’s mom when she gets really excited about that TV show “Glee.” Or maybe that rendition of “I am a creepy old guy singing about having sex with young girls” I heard that one time at Karaoke. I think that’s what it was called. Pretty catchy tune either way.

I’m a big fan of licenses. I think there should be one required for a lot more things than there are currently. The big ones should be obvious. Having kids. Wearing hair gel. Hosting a TV show. Not getting kicked in the nuts for being a tool. Wow, Ryan Seacrest, life would be tough for you if I was in charge. Don’t worry, bro, at least you can still ride those kiddie coasters at Six Flags. HEIGHT REQUIREMENTS ARE NOT A JOKE PEOPLE, THEY ARE THERE FOR YOUR SAFETY.

Speaking of safety, I would love to run someone over with a Nissan Cube. There’s not really a joke here, that car just makes me wanna run people over for some reason. Maybe it’s some subconcious thing where if I look stupid enough I have to distract from that by making others look worse. And let me tell you, someone would have to be laying bloody in the street to look worse than you would behind the wheel of a god damn Nissan Cube. Attention all owners of this car: kill yourself now.

Is there anything better than leaving a huge puddle right in front of the urinal where other people have to stand? Try it, ladies, it’s a guaranteed good time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go spam my friend’s Facebook walls with links to the Hamster Dance. PEOPLE. NEED. TO. KNOW.

(If this photo makes sense, you probably took my advice regarding 3D)